July 24

You’re making such a big deal about whether I’m keeping up my drawing that I’d rather just skip the whole topic than admit how little I’ve been doing.
I’ve never been happier, I’ve never been so sensitive to nature, all the way down to pebbles and weeds, in such a full and personal way, but — I can’t find any way to express myself, my imagination is just shot, everything I picture is so shaky and wobbly that I can’t pin down the outlines of anything — but I’ve been thinking that if I had clay or wax I could really get into sculpting. I am going to find some clay, if this goes on like this, and knead it, even if all I make is blobs!
I’ve started a portrait of Lotte three times, and every time I’ve made a fucking mess — which is especially frustrating because I could get pretty good likenesses not that long ago. So I’ve gone and sketched her silhouette and that’s just gonna have to do.

July 26 (2)

I tell myself on a regular basis that maybe I should try seeing her less often. But who could stick to that?! Every day I give in, and then I solemnly promise myself: tomorrow, you’re going to stay away, just for once, and when tomorrow comes, I still always find some incontrovertible reason, and before I know it, there I am beside her. Maybe, the night before, she said, “You’re coming over tomorrow, right?” — Who could stay away?!? Or she’s given me some errand to run and I feel like I just have to follow up with her in person; or it’s SUCH a nice day, I bike up to Pickton, and once I’m there, it’s only half an hour to her place! — It’s like I enter her field of gravity, and bam! there I am. My grandma used to tell this fairy tale about Magnet Mountain; the ships that sailed too close to it had all their metal torn off them, the nails flew off towards the mountain, and the poor sailors were crushed as the planks all collapsed around them.

July 30

Albert’s back and I’m leaving. And I don’t care if he’s the best, most amazing guy in the world, better than me in every single way, I can’t go on seeing him in front of me with this wonderful person who’s his. HIS!!! It’s over, Will! HERE COMES THE BRIDEGROOM! And he’s a sweet, kind person, the kind of guy you can’t help being nice to X[ Thank god I wasn’t there when he came home! It would have torn me to shreds. And he’s such a decent guy, he hasn’t kissed Lotte once in front of me, God bless him… he’s so considerate towards her, I’ve got to love him. He’s been really good to me, which I suspect has more to do with Lotte than his actual feelings towards me. Girls are smart that way, and you can’t blame them; if they can keep both guys on good terms with each other, that’s two guys fawning over them, and that’s always a win for them… as rarely as that actually works out.

I’ve got to say, though, Albert is… pretty great. He’s so put-together, he makes me look like that much more of a spazz… not that I could ever really hide that. He’s deep, and he knows what a special person Lotte is. He doesn’t seem very negative, which as you know is the one thing about people that sets me off more than anything else.

He respects my judgment, and the fact that I’m so attached to Lotte and so into everything she does is an ego boost for him and makes him love her that much more. And if he does niggle her from time to time a little jealously, I can’t really blame him, I mean, *I* wouldn’t feel terribly safe with this maniac around :|

Well, I wish him all the best! Whatever I used to feel around Lotte is gone. What even…was that? infatuation? insanity? eugh, who cares what you call it! It speaks for itself. I knew everything I know now before Albert came back; I knew nothing was going to happen with her, and I didn’t try to make it — I mean, as much as you can be around so much wonderfulness without hoping maybe — And now look at the doofus being all “whaaaa?” when the other guy actually does show up and walks off with the girl.

I grit my teeth and sneer at my own misery and sneer that much more at anyone who’d tell me I should ‘just, like, get over it, that’s just how it had to be, man’. You pathetic losers, leave me alone! — I go rambling through the woods, and when I come out near Lotte’s and find Albert sitting with her in the gazebo in the garden and I can’t take it anymore, I get into this manic silly mode and start clowning around, doing all this goofy shit. “For God’s sake,” Lotte said to me today, “please, no more scenes like yesterday night! You’re scary when you get so hyper.” — Honestly? I just kill time these days until he has to go do something; then whoosh! I’m off, and it’s so nice to be with her alone.