May 22

I know a lot of people think we all sleepwalk through life, and lately I can’t shake that feeling either… I mean, the range of things people actually do and think is so limited: we use up all our energy satisfying basic needs whose only point is stretching out our shitty lives; and even when we think we’re getting somewhere intellectually, all we’re really doing is patting ourselves on the back while we paint pretty shapes and colors on the walls of our prison cells. Will, when I think about all this, I just…I don’t know. I pull back and look inside myself, and there’s a whole world in there! but again, it’s like 99% intuition and murky desire, with virtually nothing clear or decisive there at all. And then everything goes blurry, and I wind up back where I started, grinning and sleepwalking through life :-/
Anyone who’s taken intro psych will stroke their chin and tell you kids don’t understand why they want what they want, but the fact is, grownups are just as clueless — stumbling through life, no idea where they came from or where they’re going, couldn’t care less about actual goals, just as obsessed with cookies and cake and trying not to get yelled at…and no one wants to admit it, but I think it’s so obvious you can reach out and touch it.
Okay, I know what you’re going to say, so yes, sure: the happiest people are the ones who live every day as fully as children, who drag their little dolls around, dressing and undressing them, and hover obsessively around the cupboard where Mommy keeps the candy, and when they finally get their hands on what they want, they stuff it in their faces and scream, “More!” — those sure are happy people! And you know who else is happy? People who give their stupid jobs or even their passions fancy names, and talk them up to everyone as if they were the cure for cancer — good for you if you can pull that off! But if you’re humble enough to see what’s really going on, if you’ve seen how painstakingly every suburbanite slaves over his tiny lawn as if he were trimming Eden, and how tirelessly even people at the bottom keep slogging on no matter how oppressed they get, and how equally crazy ALL of them are about staying alive one extra minute……then yeah, you can just be, and live life your own way, and just be glad to be yourself. And then, no matter how boxed-in you get, you always know, deep down, you’re free, and you can leave this prison whenever you want.

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