July 30

Albert’s back and I’m leaving. And I don’t care if he’s the best, most amazing guy in the world, better than me in every single way, I can’t go on seeing him in front of me with this wonderful person who’s his. HIS!!! It’s over, Will! HERE COMES THE BRIDEGROOM! And he’s a sweet, kind person, the kind of guy you can’t help being nice to X[ Thank god I wasn’t there when he came home! It would have torn me to shreds. And he’s such a decent guy, he hasn’t kissed Lotte once in front of me, God bless him… he’s so considerate towards her, I’ve got to love him. He’s been really good to me, which I suspect has more to do with Lotte than his actual feelings towards me. Girls are smart that way, and you can’t blame them; if they can keep both guys on good terms with each other, that’s two guys fawning over them, and that’s always a win for them… as rarely as that actually works out.

I’ve got to say, though, Albert is… pretty great. He’s so put-together, he makes me look like that much more of a spazz… not that I could ever really hide that. He’s deep, and he knows what a special person Lotte is. He doesn’t seem very negative, which as you know is the one thing about people that sets me off more than anything else.

He respects my judgment, and the fact that I’m so attached to Lotte and so into everything she does is an ego boost for him and makes him love her that much more. And if he does niggle her from time to time a little jealously, I can’t really blame him, I mean, *I* wouldn’t feel terribly safe with this maniac around :|

Well, I wish him all the best! Whatever I used to feel around Lotte is gone. What even…was that? infatuation? insanity? eugh, who cares what you call it! It speaks for itself. I knew everything I know now before Albert came back; I knew nothing was going to happen with her, and I didn’t try to make it — I mean, as much as you can be around so much wonderfulness without hoping maybe — And now look at the doofus being all “whaaaa?” when the other guy actually does show up and walks off with the girl.

I grit my teeth and sneer at my own misery and sneer that much more at anyone who’d tell me I should ‘just, like, get over it, that’s just how it had to be, man’. You pathetic losers, leave me alone! — I go rambling through the woods, and when I come out near Lotte’s and find Albert sitting with her in the gazebo in the garden and I can’t take it anymore, I get into this manic silly mode and start clowning around, doing all this goofy shit. “For God’s sake,” Lotte said to me today, “please, no more scenes like yesterday night! You’re scary when you get so hyper.” — Honestly? I just kill time these days until he has to go do something; then whoosh! I’m off, and it’s so nice to be with her alone.