She’s never there…I try to hold her in the morning, when I’m struggling to wake up from scary dreams…I feel around for her at night in my bed when some beautiful innocent dream had me so sure I was sitting beside her in the grass holding her hand covering her with kisses…augh…and then sometimes I’m still asleep enough to think I actually feel her there, and it makes me so happy — and then the tears come flooding out of all the pain wedged up inside me, and I cry and cry at how bleak everything looks…