August 30

You miserable fuck! What’s WRONG with you? Why are you DOING this to yourself?! Where are you going with this CRAZY NEVERENDING OBSESSION?!? When I pray now, I only pray to her; when I close my eyes, she’s always there, and when I look around all I can see is how everything relates to her. And I can be happy in that mode for hours — until I have to tear myself away from her again! which — AHHH, WILL! which my heart keeps FORCING me to do! — When I’ve been hanging out with her for two, three hours, getting lost in how she looks, how she moves, how she speaks so fucking articulately, and bit by bit I start revving up, my vision starts to blur, I can barely hear, and I start choking as if someone was strangling me, then my heart kicks in and starts racing to clear my system, which only makes everything worse — Will, I barely even know where I AM! And, — unless the sadness takes over and Lotte lets me cry it out on her shoulder, which is amazing but also TERRIBLE, — then I just have to GO, I have to get out of there! and I throw myself around in the fields; then it feels great to go vault up a sheer cliff, go crashing through the woods, through the thistles, that cut me, through the thorns, that shred me! Then I feel a bit better! a BIT! And when I collapse sometimes from dehydration and exhaustion, and lie there, in the middle of the night sometimes, with the full moon high above me, in the lonely forest, and I sit down on a crooked tree-trunk, just to give my screaming feet a rest, and doze off into this drained sleep in the half-light! oh, Will! a ward in solitary, a straightjacket, some padded walls would be just PERFECT. Goodbye! I don’t see any out for this misery but death.

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