November 24

She can tell what I’m going through. Today the way she looked at me shot right through my heart. She was alone when I came in; I didn’t say anything, and she looked at me. And what I saw this time wasn’t the gorgeous loveliness, or the glow of that amazing personality, that all disappeared as I was looking at her. Much deeper than that, what hit me was her look, calling out to me with the deepest compassion, the sweetest sympathy… Why couldn’t I throw myself at her feet?? Why couldn’t I wrap myself around her neck and answer her with a thousand kisses?! She made a break for the piano and breathed sweet, soft harmonies along with what she was playing. I’ve never been so turned on by her lips; it was like she was opening them hungrily to suck down the sweet notes swelling out of the instrument, and the only sound was their secret echo from her perfect mouth — ahh, as if I could describe it to you! — I couldn’t take it any more, I bowed my head and swore: I’ll never dare to press a kiss on you, lips! ‘round which the spirits of heaven hover — And, but — I want — Gah! See, it’s like a brick wall in front of me — this ecstasy — and then, gone, gone, to expiate the sin — Sin??