May 4, 2011

I am so happy to be AWAY! Dear Will, what is with the human heart?! I’m away from you, my best friend in the whole world, my partner in crime, and I’m happy! But I know you understand. I mean, wasn’t that whole situation the perfect storm to drive someone like me crazy? I feel so bad for Ellen! But that was not my fault. Her sister is such a fascinating person, and I was totally wrapped up in what we had going on, could I help if it she also started having feelings for me? buh, I don’t know — was it really not my fault? I did kind of lead her on, and yes, I enjoyed the attention — I mean, you and I both thought it was kind of funny, but she was so sincere, it shouldn’t have been funny at all, and I — AHHH, what is WRONG with people! Why do we beat ourselves up like this?! I want to change, really, I mean it, I want to stop obsessing over every little thing like I always do; I want to enjoy the present moment and let the past stay in the past. It’s like you always say: there would be so much less suffering in the world if people — God knows why we’re made this way — if we didn’t spend so much mental energy reliving painful memories instead of just staying balanced and present.
Could you tell my mom I’m doing the best I can with the inheritance thing and that I’ll be in touch soon? I’ve spoken to my aunt, and it turns out she’s nothing like the frigid bitch I always heard she was. She’s peppy and full of life and actually a really sweet person. I explained to her how my mom was upset we hadn’t got our share of Grandpa’s stuff; she told me exactly why, and said that if we just do xyz she’ll be glad to give us everything, and actually even more than we’d asked for — anyway, I can’t really get into it, but tell my mom it’ll all be fine. And you know what? This whole business makes me that much more sure that 90% of conflict in the world could be avoided if people would just sit down and talk to each other instead of assuming the other person was out to get them.
Anyway — I’m doing really well here. The countryside is gorgeous, the isolation is incredibly soothing, and this season of growth is finally warming the shivers out of my heart. Every tree and every hedge is bursting with blossoms, and I almost wish I could float around in this sea of fragrance and feed on it like the ladybugs do :D
The actual town is awful, but the countryside is so beautiful, I can’t even tell you. One of those 19th-century tycoons was so inspired by it that, before he died, he planted a garden on one of the cute criss-crossing hills that make the loveliest valleys out here. The garden is simple, and as soon as you walk in you can feel it was laid out, not by some by-the-book landscaper, but by a sensitive soul who came here to commune with nature. There’s a half-wrecked summer house where I’ve gone a couple times already and cried, just picturing him there. It used to be his favorite spot, and now it’s mine too. I’m going to have the run of the garden soon; the gardener and I have really hit it off, just in the last few days, and I think we’re going to be good friends :)

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