December 4

Please, please — look, I’m done, I can’t take it any more! Today I sat beside her — sat, she played the piano, all kinds of tunes, and ALL THE FEELINGS! ALL OF THEM! — ALL! —  where were you going with this?? — Her little sister was bouncing her doll on my knee. I started tearing up. I bent down, her wedding ring caught my eye — tears running down my face — and suddenly she started playing that old, heavenly-sweet melody, all of a sudden, and this feeling shot through my soul, this sense of comfort and a flash of the past, of all the times I heard that song, that dark time I was so humiliated, the hopes that crashed and burned, and then — I paced up and down the room, my heart was imploding from the pressure. — “For God’s sake,” I said,  wheeling around, running over to her, “For God’s sake, stop it!” — she froze and stared right at me. “Werther,” she said with a smile that just destroyed me, “Werther, you’re in really bad shape, your favorite things are setting you off. Go home! Please, take care of yourself.” I tore myself away and — GOD! You see my misery and You’ll make it stop…

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